Dear Boys,

It’s time to step your game up.  I know when you were young all your teachers, parents, coaches and probably even Grandma that-time-you-just-wouldn’t-shut-the-fuck-up told you that Silence Was Golden.  But silence has a time and place.  And that place is not the bedroom.  And that time is not when it’s frisky business.  Silence in the bedroom is bullshit.  Stop the white noise.  And before you get all chatty cathy on me, allow me to explain.

Background.  Music.  Is.  Vital.  Let me say it again, boys.  Background music is your new best friend.  Like a boyscout you need to be prepared.  If I’m going to get a pedicure, straighten my hair, spend 45 minutes getting the perfect smokey eye happening, shave all kinds of places, and create a specifically chosen outfit for our date.  The least you can do is be ready for the possibility of sex.  And while I appreciate the optimistic 4 pack of condoms on the nightstand.  It’s time to get sharp.  Step your game up.  Get your shit together.  In the words of Aaron Karo music is important, “not only because it sets the mood but also because it muffles moans and thus discourages inhibition.”  And nobody fucking loves inhibition.  It’s no lie fellas.  If my sex is a 6/7 with the crickets, music effortlessly takes it to a 9/10.  Just sayin’.  Get yours.  And get it good.

So I’ve taken the liberty of selecting a couple of songs for you.  Now while Aaron Karo recommends Jack Johnson and John Legend, I see things a little differently.  But then again, I’m not as vanilla as I may seem.  Sure enough Jack and John won’t stop the booty short (with me) and could be perfect (with other girls), overall it wouldn’t be my first choice.  The first is a lovely selection by R.Kelly and Keri Hilson entitled “Number One Sex” (the original release where she plays the part of a guy, not the bullshit “vanilla” version that came out later).  This song gets a high score overall for excellent beats, sexy lyrics and sultry vocals.  Guaranteed to get you laid (by me lol!).

This second selection is “Ucud Gedit” by Nelly featuring R. Kelly and Gucci Mane. It’s more just about one thing.  The beat.  While I easily understand that not everybody likes Nelly, nor will every girl be okay with the general premise of this song, the key is to pay attention to the bass line.  Particularly starting at minute 3:45.  Listen.  Take note.  Find songs that have similar bass.

And here’s another example of a song with an important bass line.  It’s “Drop” by Rich Boy. It’s just an instrumental track and the girl’s voice would definitely be annoying, the key is to note the beat.  You can never have too much bass when banging.  Just sayin’.

And this final selection is only for the gamblers.  The risk takers.  Because depending on the girl.  It could be a HUUUUUUUGE fail.  Or a HUUUUUUUGE massive success.  I won’t lie.  If we were making out on the couch.  And this song came on.  Even if I had been previous thinking I was going to stop things after you grabbed a boob or two.  You are now going to get lucky.  But like I said.  This likely won’t work with most chicks.  Chickies….please feel free to weigh in and let the boys know.

So I’m saying it boys, my dear dear boys.  You want to get laid?  You want her to not be vanilla?  You want her to be me?  Get your fuckin’ tunes together and step your game up.  And the ladies will thank you.  I will thank you.  Your balls will thank you.

Yours Truly,

Judgey Wudgey
aka Something She Dated
aka Considered Citizens For Better Sex
aka That Girl at the Gym Two Treadmills Over