To say that POF has been a wasteland as of late is not even the half of it.  It’s not so much a lack of messages as it is messages of the wrong kind.  Messages from  guys whose usernames are enough to scare away even the gentlest and most understanding of creatures.  Which I think we can all agree I am not.  So you know they have me running for the hills.

I’ve always said that a username isn’t that important.  Unless of course if it’s super stupid.  Like ShotGunBigDickJohnny or TittyTittyIWannaBangBang or Pickles.  I mean Pickles?!?!  Seriously?!?!  What the fuck.  How on earth can I fathom having a conversation about the logic of a particular argument or a debate about social responsibility with a dude who calls himself Pickles.  Pickles is the name of a dog.  Or a 6 year old, in an ABC summertime movie who’s only friend is a golden lab and has to solve the town’s biggest crisis by opening a lemonade stand.  Or a hicktown stripper.  Either way.  Not. Fucking. Acceptable.

And I mean I know it’s tough picking a user name.  You don’t want to give away anything recognizable about you (lest someone from work or highschool or your mom’s friend from book club should be cruising by).  And you don’t want it to be cheesy.  Or ridiculous.  Or boring.  But I urge you…boys…don’t go for sexy.  NEVER go for sexy.  No girl EVER read a username like KingAdonis and thought Oh no…you’re not an idiot.  We’ve already figured you are.  Boring always trumps stupid.  But if you really just can’t bring yourself to be boring, then go with attributes that girls might brag to their friends about.  I know you think we sit around talking dick size and pussy-licking ability…which…we…might…with our closest friends.  But the real things we tell our friends???  Smart.  Funny.  Career.  So note that down.  The same way you don’t come up to a girl and tell her she’s got nice tits…you don’t want a username that is the verbal equivalent of walking towards a girl with your palms out in the I’m about to honk your breasts gesture movement.  Just Sayin’.

And for FUCK’s SAKES! DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER, LIKE I MEAN EVER USE THE WORD DONKEY IN ANY CONTEXT.  AT ALL.  EVER.  NEVER.  JUST DON’T.  STOP. NO.

And thus I bring you my prince charming.  My dreamboat.  My super hero.  The man Mr. Sandman brought me.  And I’m definitely playing it fast and lose with the term man here.  At first I felt like the universe was punishing me by sending me this guy.  But when you consider how many laughs I got, you really have to see it as a reward.  A job well done I’d say.  Somebody was bringing some hilarious joy into my life.  And his name was…

Workdonkeydude*
*name changed slightly to protect the don’t-know-any-better-type-innocent


And I know what you’re thinking.  SSDated, you want to say, don’t be so judgmental…give the poor boy a chance.  And obviously I did.  By opening the message.  To which I was pleasantly surprised.  I mean, here was a man who saw right through me…right down…to my inner…innocence…and…uh…virginity?