Dear Boys,
The thing is. Paying. Like dating. Like life. Is all about balance. But I don’t pick up the tab on first dates. Let me say that again. I. Don’t. Pick. Up. The. Tab. On. First. Dates. Or 3rd dates. Or possibly even 8th dates. Now this isn’t to say I don’t “pay” in other ways. You see. It takes a lot, boys, to maintain the standard that I like to offer and that I’m guessing you like to receive on that first date. And the dates that follow. Now don’t misunderstand me boys, because I’m not complaining. I like to look awesome for you. I like to look awesome for me. But I’m still not paying for the first date.
See the thing is. By the time you see me. By the time we’re actually on that first date together. I’ve already spent a ton. And because I wouldn’t want you to just have to take my word for it. Here’s a little tally sheet. A little accountant’s ledger. A little “I did” list, if you will:
Pedicure $30-70 (tip incl)
Brow tint $12
Brow wax $15
Lady bit wax $65
Teeth Whitening $20/mth
Make Up $400-$1200/year
Hair products $30/mth
Hair straightener $120
Hair cut $120/3x year
New clothes $40 (new shirt) – $400 (new outfit)
New undies $10-100
Therapy (joke)
Now this is just a ball park estimate. A quick run down. Of just a few things it takes to look so good for you. And before you get all up in arms, boys, about how you get haircuts too and sometimes you even use some gel in your hair. Sure. I concur. You get haircuts too. At the barber. For $20. And that $4 bottle of gel. I get it. That really sets you back. But that is nothing by comparison to the 8 products it takes to tame this curly mane (yet keep it soft and supple for your touching enjoyment) or on days I straighten it, the $50 salon-purchased-heat-protecting-leave-in-conditioning-must-be-made-of-gold-for-that-price product). So I’m just sayin’. We’re not even close. You’re sitting on the bench at a little league game having had to pay $3 for a soda. And I’m stuck with the bill for box seats at a Canucks game during the 7th game of the playoffs.
So with that being said. I think. I THINK. That you can pay for my fucking Starbucks latte. Or on even cheaper days. My diet coke. You got this. That’s what you should say. I got this. And I mean obviously. Don’t even wait for the awkward moment of who might pay. Because I’ll tell you. My dreamboat. My unicorn. He’s not waiting. He’s got balls. He knows what’s up. On date 2 when dinner seems reasonable. We’ve ordered. At some point he’s gotten up (presumably to go to the bathroom). He gives the waitress with his credit card. To pay the bill when we’re done. So it’ll never even be brought to the table. No awkward moment. My unicorn. *sigh* And it’s not even about the money. It’s the fucking forethought. Don’t buy me flowers. Just protect me from uncomfortable moments. That’s lusty.
And that right there is really the second reason. The first is because it’s your turn to balance the expenditures. The second is to look like a man. The kind of man that knows/says this:
“When the check comes, there should be absolutely no debate: I’m paying. Ladies, any guy who doesn’t pay for you is fucking worthless. Any guy who offers to split the check should hand in his man badge and have his testicles confiscated at the door: he’s done.” – Aaron Karo excerpt from I’m Having More Fun Than You available through amazon.com.
And on a personal note. I reiterate. Boys. I don’t even drink (anymore). So really. Come the fuck on. My kisses. My time. Well worth a fucking $6 coffee. In fact. You just go ahead and get me a gift card to Starbucks while we’re up there at the register. And maybe an oat fudge bar. And throw in a french press too. Just Sayin’. I’m worth it.
Yours Truly,
Judgey Wudgey
aka Your boys’ favorite accountant
aka That girl at the bank two tellers over
aka Giving boys back their balls one dating faux pas elimination at a time
aka Dating one “something” at a time
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It’s so funny that women expect men to pay for dates because of choices that they make. New clothes? I have never met a man who refused to date a woman because her clothes were a month old. Pedicure, brow tint, brow wax and teeth whitening? All of those can be done by yourself. A few of them aren’t even necessary.
By the way, cosmetics, hair products and clothes can all be used more than once. You can use them over and over again on different dates with different men. A dinner is used once, and it’s gone. Men can’t buy reuse a dinner when they go on another date.
Stop trying to justify why men must adhere to traditional gender roles. Just because you CHOOSE to spend an exorbitant amount of money on yourself does not mean men expect it from you. Nor does it mean that we should pay to defray your expenses. It’s 2012. Time to be independent. Little, dependent girls are so 20th century.
Haha – everything you said might indeed be true! But truer still is that women have all the “good stuff!” So, until that changes, be prepared to shell out!