How Not to be Creepy, Dating Advice

Why are you so fucking creepy?!?! It’s what keeps running through my head. It’s a hamster running on a ball. Over and over and over again. It’s a stress test that is going to push me over the limits and give me a heart attack.

Why are you so fucking creepy!?!? I want to say it. I want to scream it. I want to type it into message boxes. I want to type it into DMs on Twitter and tweet it till I can tweet it no more.

Why are you so goddamn fucking creepy!?!? I want to take out on advert on the side of a bus. I want to shout it through a loudspeaker in a town square or tow its message on a banner in the sky behind a jet plane ready to fire missiles into groups of unsuspecting creeps.

You make me want to tear my hair out. Creepy guys. I’m fucking talking to you. And to be honest, I’m completely fucking frustrated. My mind is boggled. You’ve boggled me! Because I just don’t understand. And we all know I have an intense desire to understand.

I’ve heard these rumors that you’re totally normal the rest of the time. You appear to have real-live-grown-up jobs. Nobody is arresting you at the corner store. Nobody is running away scared when you get your starbucks coffee. So why are you like this with me? And with the other victims of your rampant creepiness? Why, I’m begging you. For the love of all things amazing, *falls down to knees in preparation for dramatic outcry, fists clenched and shaking* Seriously!! Why are you so fucking creepy!?!?!

And that’s when it hits me. A possible reason. Perhaps not the origin of creepiness, creeping, being a creapsicle, a total creeptastrophe. But a reason for why it continues to exist. Why girl after girl is forced to run away crying or attempt to spray the creeptagion as it spreads throughout her life and winds its sticky fingers around her ankles like a vine-like pathogen. I’ve come up with an answer.

Boys don’t talk to each other. Yes, it really is that simple.

Boys don’t talk to each other. At least, not about dating. And even when they do, not in the same way or with the same kind of specific detail that girls do. Girls take mental notes of their dates. We show our friends entire online and text messaging conversations. When I regale my friends with the absolutely fucking idiotic thing that so and so said to me after our last date, I pull out my phone. Wait wait I say I have to tell you exactly what he said, it’s priceless!

But guys just want the highlights. Did you get laid? Was she hot? Will you see her again? Does she have any hot slutty friends? They just want the end of the night reel. They don’t want the workup, the walk through, the follow swing. And that’s where it all falls apart.

Girl Example: Girl chats with boy online. Tells boy all about having 13 cats and how things with ex-boyfriend ended because he caught her following him to nightclubs and out on the town with the boys. Girl then tells friends what girl told boy. Friends are horrified and immediately admonish this behavior. They instruct her in future to leave certain details till further in the relationship. It’s not lying to simply not tell someone every dirty secret on before even meeting, that’s called social protocol. Girl learns.

Boy Example: Boy chats with girl online. Tells girl that she has amazing legs and that she should take some pictures of herself in a mini-skirt and send them to him. Boy tells friends nothing. They don’t even know he’s online dating. Boy learns nothing.

Girl Example 2: Girl goes out on first date with boy. They have coffee and all goes well. Girl likes boy and hopes boy likes her back. After date girl goes home, she is so very very excited. Next morning girl wakes up and texts boy, certain that he must feel as excited too. She asks about his day. He doesn’t respond. She asks how work is going. He doesn’t respond. She asks when they’re going to hang out again. He doesn’t respond. She sends a barrage of figuratively-tear-stained messages about how she thought they had a connection and how he was lucky to have gone out with her and how he totally fucked up what could of been an amazing thing. He doesn’t respond. Girl cries to friends. They are horrified and admonish this type of behavior. They advise her to be more breezy with the next guy. That she should remain calm and squelch those desires to text ridiculously because she is caught up in the haze and excitement of lust. Boy later texts that he had to fly to Palm Springs to see his mother who had a bad fall and had to be hospitalized. He apologizes for not responding sooner but that he is no longer interested in girl due to said crazy behavior. Girl understands. Girl learns lesson.

Boy Example 2: Boy texts girl and calls her cheesy things like “girly-girl” or “naughty school girl” and/or “schmoopy”. Girl miraculously still agrees to go out with boy. Boy really wants to impress girl and takes notes from the ridiculously misguided notions of romance that are shown on TV. He brings girl chocolate to eat (but forgets the concept of go hard or go home and gets her budget drug-store chocolate like ferrero rocher). Girl doesn’t let this phase her though and date goes on. Girl asks questions about boy and tries to talk enthusiastically about her life. Boy wants to compliment girl but instead of listening and paying attention, boy keeps interrupting girl with compliments that are sexual in nature: “That dress really hugs your body in all the right places” “I love a girl with curves” “you look good enough to eat” and “I can barely keep my hands off of you”. Girl goes home disappointed. Boy thinks date has gone amazing. Boy tells his friends he will probably get laid soon because he went on a date with a hot chick who wanted him so bad. Friends congratulate him. Boy learns nothing. Girl never talks to him again.

And that’s really it. It’s just that fucking simple. Girls talk, and most girls learn. Boys don’t talk, and so so many never learn. And if you were hoping for a happy ending to this tale of my discovery and examples, you better prepare for disappointment. Because I don’t have one. The truth is most creepy guys will never read this. So we’re all fucked. But we can still always hope.

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Jaded Daters

#CreepWeek: Why Are You So Creepy?

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