Disclaimer:  This post is harsh and judgemental.  It is a stereotypical characterization and by no means accurately describes all men who take part in online dating.  There are just as many silly girls as there are silly guys taking part in online dating (though I’m obviously not one *straight face dead pan*).  This post specifically lacks understanding and compassion for men who are just looking for fun and dating, as their balls should be bigger and my empathy less.

Dear Boys of Online Dating,

I want to lick your brain.  I mean not literally.  Not in like a vampiric-tales from the crypt-serial killer kind of way.  But seriously.  In a metaphorical sense.

Recent conversation goes like this:

Me:  He has a Ph.D…from Harvard
Friend:  Wow! (impressed tone)
Me:  I know right?!?! A Ph.D…from Harvard…seriously…a Ph.D…in English Literature…from motherfucking Harvard
Friend:  Wow! (still impressed tone)
Me:   Seriously.  I would definitely have an affair with him.  And not just for an A. 
Friend:  (laughs) Is he good looking?
Me:  hmm…not really…I mean he’s kind of balding a bit (though covering it up well)…and he’s not really in shape…but he is tall…and probably only about 5 years or so older than me…but I mean….HARVARD…PH.D!
Friend:  (laughs) Yeah you said that




So boys, let me be clear.  I know in the past I’ve talked a lot about Brawn.  And I’m not saying brawn is bad.  By all means.  Brawn is great.  And I’m always taking brawn over no brawn that’s for sure.  But if it’s brawn vs. brains.  No question.  Hands down.  I want to fondle your frontal lobes.  I want to get complex with your cortex.  I want you to quiz me.  I want your brain.  I mean first and foremost I want you to have one.  And then after that I want you to share it with me.  And while I’m wishing.  While I’m dreaming.  While I’m just putting it out there the thing I’d really really love.  Boys, I want you to be smarter than me.  And I don’t mean in a demeaning way or a qualifying way.  You being smarter won’t make you better.  And if you’re not, it doesn’t make me better.  It’s just that I dream of it.  I yearn for it.  Finding a “something” who is leagues smarter than me.  And while knowledge can help, it isn’t everything.  I want you to excite me and challenge me.  Prove me wrong and show me how.  Show me things I’d never considered.  I want you to be curious and eager.  Take us on an adventure.  Boys, I’m looking for one of you, that has a brain so full and voluptuous, that I want to lick it.  Run my metaphorical tongue all over it.  But don’t worry.  I won’t bite.  And I won’t eat it.  Because after all, I’m no man-eater.  But just sayin’.  Hit the books boys, step your game up.


Yours Truly,


Judgey Wudgey



aka Motivating the masses to higher education
aka Dating University campuses better one smarty pants at a time

aka That girl in the library two study desks over
aka Your coffee shop crush