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Jaded Daters
Gals: To Upload the Sexy Photo, or Not
Ok, so the debate over whether guys should upload the shirtless photo was gone into here, and now it’s time to get into whether or not gals should upload sexy photos to their online dating profile.
As is the case with guys, it depends on what you’re looking for. If what you’re looking for is a long-term relationship in which sex is not the primary goal, the best advice is to definitely lay off the sexy profile photos. Stick to face pics and/or fully clothed body pics. Even a bathing suit pic might be a little too revealing at this stage in the game. You want to show the guy (or gal) that you’re trying to attract that you’re more than just pretty parts. If you get to the point that you’re exchanging sexy pics later in the courtship (even if it’s still an online courtship and you haven’t taken it offline yet), then it’s your call as to whether you want to send your suitor any pics containing a little more skin. But to upload such pics to your profile will give the impression that what you’re looking for is more about physicality and less about personality, which will turn off those suitors who are looking for a long-term relationship. Seeing such photos on your profile might give them reason to stop and gawk for awhile, but then they’ll likely move on without contacting you. After all, most guys who are looking for a long-term relationship aren’t interested in having it with a gal who flaunts sexy picture of herself all over the place. If you do have those sexy pictures of yourself, save them for a time when he (or she) has earned the chance to see them.
Of course, if what you want is to attract is a guy who isn’t interested in something long-term (ie just a sex-filled fling), then uploading a sexy photo or two will probably go a long way, since what you look like when you’re not fully clothed is most likely the first thing he’ll want to know about you if he’s considering a short-term sex-filled fling. (Or, heck, even a long-term sex-filled fling!) On the other hand, the mere fact that you’re offering him a sex-filled fling will probably get his engine running even if you haven’t uploaded any sexy photos to your profile. If you say in your profile that you’re looking for a a fling, and you’re of the gender type that turns him on, he’ll likely fill your inbox with messages anyway – whether or not you’ve uploaded any photos at all – sexy or otherwise! That said, if you’re looking for just a fling, and you’re trying to throw the biggest net you can, it’s not a bad idea to include a few sexy pics in your profile. But, as with the guys, keep it clean. Most online dating sites that aspire to be “serious, non-hook-up” dating sites (including Jaded Lovers – which aspires to be the most serious dating site!) don’t allow profile photos containing nudity – unless they’re artistic, and even then it’s a judgment call. So that means, for best results, if you go down to your skivvies for the picture, gals, don’t go down any further than that. And try to keep from posing yourself in any position that would get your pic considered for publication in (insert title of men’s magazine here). No matter which type of relationship you’re interested in finding, a good rule to follow with regard to your profile photos is to err on the side of moderation.
As with guys, this advice will work only MOST of the time. There are certainly folks out there (guys and gals, of every sexual orientation) who would prefer to see sexy pics of the person they’re courting before they start the courtship. And this doesn’t necessarily make them total pervs or undateable superficial jerks. But it’s still a good rule to keep your profile photos consistent with the overall message you want to send in your profile. If you want a serious relationship, upload photos which show a more serious side of you. If you want a fling, upload photos which show more of your sexier side. And use your “About Me” area to write exactly what it is that you’re looking for. As with most areas of life, it’s better to be clear and direct than to be misleading – even if you don’t mean to be. Keeping your profile photos consistent with the message you want to send will help in doing that.
Guys: To Upload the Shirtless Photo, or Not
The debate over whether guys who upload shirtless photos to their online dating profile are either doing it completely wrong or are just trying to attract a certain type of date – which might actually be drawn to profiles containing such photos – continues! Here are a few dating tips for men as relate to how to be successful with your dating site profile pictures.
It’s pretty obvious that if you’re just trying to get laid, you want to let prospective takers see as much of the goods as possible before they decide to contact you. Kind of a window- shopping thing. Let them get a look at what they’d be getting if they enter the store, know what I’m saying? If they’re interested, maybe they’ll ask for more info.
But if what you’re looking for is a serious, long-term relationship, in which sex is not the primary goal (or at least not the ONLY goal), you might want to lay off those shirtless photos, guys. That means don’t upload ANY of them to your profile, no matter how many photos your profile lets you upload. Stick to photos of your face or, if they are fully body photos, make them fully clothed. Even if you’re totally buff, it’s hard to image many women being interested in seeing you shirtless at this stage in the game – that is, when they’re just coming across your profile on a dating site. Save that for if and when she’s ready to actually get naked with you – if you happen to get that lucky
. If you ARE totally buff, she might consider that a nice bonus when she’s removing your shirt for you. But there’s a difference between being confident and bragging, and bragging is usually one of the main dating turn offs for everyone. No one likes a huge ego, and if your first impression makes her think you’ve got a huge ego, it’s a steep hill to get her to change her opinion of you. (Then again, that total buffness you’re hiding under your shirt might help her with that!)
If what you’re looking for IS just to get laid, or a fling that you want to carry on for awhile in which the primary goal is sex, feel free to break out the shirtless pics. But a couple bits of advice for you men out there: 1). Know your strengths and weaknesses, and 2). Keep it clean. No woman (and I mean NO woman) wants to see your peepee in a picture on your online dating profile. That might work for the guys who are looking for other guys (and here at Jaded Lovers we of course welcome everyone and want everyone to find what they’re looking for), but if what you’re looking for is a woman, keep it in your pants for the photo. Even if you’re hung like a champ, chances are she won’t be impressed. Even most of those women out there who are looking for just a fling want you to think enough of them to realize that kind of thing won’t be likely to float their boat. Entice her with a little intellect first. It’ll go a long way. Uploading pics of the peepee is one of the biggest online dating mistakes that guys make.
Of course, this advice – when followed – will work for only MOST of those women out there who view your online dating profile. There will always be the exceptions. But if any woman asks you why you haven’t uploaded any pecker pics, methinks you won’t go wrong by informing her that you thought she wouldn’t be interested in seeing them. If for some reason that happens to turn her off – and you’re as impressive down there as you think you are – then she probably won’t hold it against it you for having kept it a secret for so long.
Online Dating: Deal Breakers
Sometimes I have all the answers. I’m 98% certain I’m right. And I have a ton of simple advice to give. And dammit I’m willing to give it easily. Energetically. Confidently. Because, after all, I’m 98% certain I’m right.
But when it comes to dating deal breakers, honestly, I just don’t know. Are they a good idea? Are they going to keep you from taking a risk? Are they going to prevent you from meeting someone really great with a flaw or two? Or will they keep you from wasting time on people you simply cannot get along with? Or live with? Or anything long term with? Or the third option, are they simply irrelevant…just not that big of a deal…have them or don’t it really won’t make a difference because when it’s right it’s right?!?! Like I said, I sure as fuck don’t know.
What I do know is that my dating deal breakers (for lack of a better word) fluctuate. And apparently the same kind of variety I see for deal breakers within myself is the same out in the rest of society. A quick google search found me pawing through pages and pages and PAGES of “Dating Deal Breakers”
FYI…there’s an entire website dedicated to people posting their deal breakers datingdealbreakers.com. The postings range from the innocent mistake of wearing the wrong kind of clothing on a first date to the downright psychotic of a guy who tricked his date into eating a spoonful of wasabi (thinking it was pistachio ice cream).
I also read some other sites Top 10: Deal Breakers but to be honest, most of the deal breakers on there were just normal social-protocol-decent-human-being-type things. Things like not lying, not neglecting your date in public and not flirting with other people in front of him all seem pretty basic to me, no?
So it got me thinking about the validity of my own personal deal breakers. And to be honest, I’m a bit horrified at how my standards have dropped the longer I’ve been dating. Though can you really blame me with the stock of expired turkeys running around out there spreading salmonella and sadness??
Old Deal Breakers:
- No post-secondary education
- Shoddy sense of humor
- Rude
- Inattentive (uses phone on date)
- Religious
- Racist
- Boring
- Feminine
- Passive
- Says things like shmoopy and girly-girl or anything really covered during #CreepWeek (last three posts)
New Deal Breakers:
- Wears pleats
Okay, Okay so I’m kind of joking with that. But seriously, I’m not sure I have any real dating deal breakers that simply aren’t covered under “being a decent human being.” You could possibly consider “dumb” and “not funny” my only real deal breakers but even then since they’re subjective I feel like that discounts them somehow.
That being said, I just realized (like, actually, this very moment) why my deal breakers are so lenient. It’s the whole casually dating thing. Take religion for example. That would be a deal breaker if I was looking for someone long term, a life partner, and a 100% deal breaker if I was going to raise children with them. That being said, for dating. Fuck, it’s no problem. In fact, one of the few people I dated in the summer and wish it hadn’t ended was TheVampire, who was massively religious and I was completely okay with it…for the time being. So maybe that’s it…deal breakers are almost irrelevant unless you’re looking for a relationship.
What do you think…are deal breakers important?
What are your biggest dating deal breakers?
Online Dating: Do The Math
I understand not dating altogether. Maybe you’re still healing from a past relationship and aren’t yet ready to date. Maybe you’re busy saving the world with all your projects and charitable works. Maybe you’re making a big push for success in your career/academic life. Whatever it is keeping you busy. I get it. You haven’t got the time. Dating is not a priority. Understood.
But when people tell me they ARE open to dating but are not Online Dating, I honestly don’t get it. And yes, I know all the pitfalls of Online Dating, hell I’ve been doing it (in some form or another, on and off) for a little over a decade. Trust me, I get it. That being said, whenever people complain to me about the pitfalls of Online Dating I can’t help but think to myself uh…you know those are the same guys who live in our city right??? Admittedly, these men/women may feel a greater freedom to be their ridiculously fucking idiot true selves, but nonetheless, it’s the same bodies you’re seeing at the bar and the same souls you’re running into in the coffee shop. So to sum up, Online Dating can suck…but uh…so can life. That’s not really a valid argument.
But for the sake of clarity, I’ll tell you why I’m Online Dating. For the very same reasons boys throw Bird Seed. For the very same reasons that I’m applying to something like 10 Grad Schools. Because life is a numbers game. And dating isn’t any different. Let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that a woman that most men would rate between a 6-8 (or whatever is hot enough to want to approach but not so hot as to be intimidated and thus not approach), lives in a predominantly aggressive-man filled city.
She probably gets approached 10 times a week. Now to be fair, easily 5 of those guys are going to be total idiots. (And before all you boys get up in arms…I’m not saying necessarily these men are horrible at their core, but at the very least are not showing this lady their exquisite potential in any other form than border-line illiterate misogyny).
So that leaves her with 5 guys a week. Now let’s assume she wants to date and not just a one night stand. That likely eliminates 1 guy for being age inappropriate and probably another 1 for not, in fact, being available (maybe he’s a cheating bastard or maybe he’s just one of those fucking awful coupleds who love to flirt…ugh…either way it doesn’t matter for our discussion purposes).
So now she’s down to 3 guys a week. And now comes the pickle. Will she be attracted to any of them (personality included or discluded). Ask yourself (boys and girls), out of every three people who walk by or talk to you in the next few days, how many are you interested in (and boys, I don’t mean willing to fuck, I mean how many of these ladies would you be willing to take out and pay for a meal for? and ladies how many of these dudes would you get dolled up for, stay out late on a school night for, etc.).
From what people tell me in my research thus far the number is usually somewhere around 1 in 20 (sometimes closer to 1 in 5, sometimes as few as 1 in 50). But let’s assume our lassy is of the 1 in 15 variety. That means even if all the stars aligned with the exact right guys approaching her and her digging them back, our lucky lady might only find 1 date every 5 weeks.
Now factor in all the other shit. Turns out the first time he really speaks he’s a total dick. Or turns out she’s super Catholic and he’s an atheist. Or regardless of the fact that he paid for dinner he just wants to fuck and they both end up disappointed and going home alone. And now she’ll have to wait another 5 weeks for just a statistical chance at a good date, let alone a worthwhile relationship or even just some fucking fun?!?!
And do I really need to tell you why I Online Date?!?!
It’s a numbers game. And Online Dating isn’t some demanding jealous boyfriend who expects total and complete commitment and gets pissy if I even just glance in the direction of another guy. I’m open to meeting boys anywhere. In fact, I encourage it. Because it broadens my horizons. Because it lightens my spirits. Because it means I won’t have to make out with boys who are dumber than a bag of bricks (even if they are hotter than a tin roof). Or at least, it won’t be my only option. Online Dating is my lighthouse. A beacon of hope, in an otherwise often desert-y scenario.
Oh and also…since I’m not a 6-8 (being a chubby bunny and all), you can imagine I’m already working with a smaller shark pool. And who has time to sit at home and cry about that. So I say, do as I say AND do as I do and get out there and Online Date. Because if you’re proactive in every other aspect of your life, why should dating be any different. And then of course, come back here and tell me all about it.
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