There’s no shortage of unscrupulous people out there who join dating sites and other social networking sites with the sole intention of scamming unsuspecting members out of their money (or worse).

Yesterday, the Huffington Post ran a story on a recent report which found that online romance scams cost victims $50 million in 2011. (You can read that story here.) The story discusses how scammers scour chat rooms, dating sites, and social networking sites looking for their targets and use a well-rehearsed script that has proven successful in the past. Often, they’ll send their victims flowers and gifts while using stories of personal tragedy, injury, and other hardships to earn trust and concern.

As the story also reports, these scams typically involve criminals setting up fake identities using stolen photos of attractive individuals, often models or Army officers, and that the total sums lost by victims can become so high because they end up paying for expensive items such as plane tickets and medical procedures.

While we at Jaded Lovers terminate and remove the accounts of suspected scammers such as these, we do not randomly monitor user activity or member registration, as there is currently nothing we can do to prevent such people from falsifying their registration information in order to be granted initial membership. We rely on legitimate members to report illegitimate members such as these to us, so that we can remove them. Since it is always possible that such a scammer will join our site and contact you before we’ve been made aware of his/her account, it’s crucial that you keep your eyes open when using our site (or any other website), and know what to look out for.

A good general rule to follow is: If you are a member of a dating site, and you get a message from someone which contains vague blanket statements which could apply to anyone and have nothing specifically to do with your profile, just don’t reply.

In addition, long distance relationships work for some people – even in the case that your relationship partner wants only to talk and never to meet you in person. But if your relationship partner wants only to talk and never to meet you in person, AND starts asking you for money, that is the sign of a definite scam. You can read the story of one woman who fell victim to such a scam, and had it carry on for five years, here.

In her words, “desperate loneliness” and “a willingness to believe in a fantasy” are often the characteristics possessed by people who fall victim to such scams. We at Jaded Lovers know all about desperate loneliness and a willingness to believe in a fantasy, but we also think that, even if you possess these characteristics, you shouldn’t let them get in the way of your proper judgment and your ability to be aware of your surroundings.

Please, have fun, do your thing, but keep your eyes open.

I often wonder what impression people get from me. Especially online people, dating site people, blog reading people. I pride myself on being mostly real, pretty honest, generally upfront. The mostly, pretty and generally descriptors leave room for things like job interviews etc. when, “of course, working here would fulfill all my passions and allow me to help people….etc.etc.etc.” and things of that nature. But on here. In this blog. On my online dating profile. I’m trying to convey the most authentic version of myself. Which may or may not be happening successfully.

Some dating sites are a good example of this NOT being successful. On one particular dating site the first message I got was from a guy with a foot fetish who thought I might be into his 5’5ness and began to woo me with things like, “I would love you to sit on my face” ick! Delete! I mean, no judgment. I’m sure there’s a tiny tot somewhere that would love these words of romance, but at 5’7 with a thing for tall guys, I’m thinking no go.

The second message went like this…

Subject : at ur feet

I am 25 years old, I would love to spoil you and serve you. Everything I do it will be for your happiness. I am submissive, I will listen to you and always pay attention to little details that will make you even more happy. You will love to be in charge and together we will explore that side of you. This is not about sex at all, it’s actually all about love and worship you as Goddess. I am very loyal and romantic .From cleaning the house, doing the laundry, rubbing your feet, pampering you and just do as I am told. I want to serve only you and be only your slave, owned and collared and bossed around just by YOU! I have msn, facebook, webcam and I am local. I am not copying and pasting this message, I actually wrote it because I really like your profile.


your pet

The thing about me and judgment is…I’m incredibly quick to do it. But. I’m just as quick to see another side, etc. and change my opinion. This however, never gets that far so really…I just…I mean…Come The Fuck On Bridget** you can’t possibly be serious. First, uh…gross and creepy much? But most importantly, second, do I seem like a chick that could possibly, even in a million years, be into that? NO! Clearly I’m not conveying my message very well. Maybe this is just another story of online dating gone wrong. Or perhaps these boys just severely lack the ability to know their audience. That’s right…boys…I beg you…Know Your Audience. Here is some serious relationship advice for men out there:

For reference. I want a man’s man. A guy’s guy. A lumberjack. An MMA fighter. Aggression (without the violence). Take charge. Take control. Hairy chests and hyper-masculinity. Build a house.  Fix your car.  Pitch a tent.  You have my number, grow a pair and call me. Where should we meet, “never mind” he says, “I’ll pick something and let you know.” “Good time to call?” doesn’t matter, don’t be afraid of a voicemail.  DO something.  Do SOMETHING.  Team sports and wolf pack guy friends. Sex Sex Sex, my tits, my tits, my lips. Good stance. Strong stance. Confident and looming. Balls of steel and decisiveness. Take me. Take me. Take me.

Now before everybody gets all amped up (like he should be), please remember (or take a gander at) what I said about The Boys of Summer. And don’t get me wrong, I know that the funny(?) jokes of my profile don’t necessarily scream I. WANT. ME. CAVEMAN! but surely they should ward off the ultra-feminine-metro-sexual-submissive-fetishists that I seem to be attracting lately, eh? yes? no? Maybe all those other blogs that give dating tips for men aren’t getting this point across.

Dear boys,

Please, my dear dear boys, I beg of you.  Know your audience.  Because when you don’t.  I’m judging you.

Yours Truly,

Judgy Wudgy Was A Bear

Best Friend:  Words of Encouragement 101 (Reasons I need to do this)

1. “WE need this!” (She has also been known to say, when asked if I should call a fella, “no…WE are playing hard to get).
2. He can be Googled. Okay Okay I know I know…but I googled him. And here’s the kicker. The spelling of his name is a little different than normal and when you type in his first name…google actually suggests his last name. There are links to articles about him in the Vancouver Sun (Vancouver’s biggest paper for ya’ll that don’t know).  She feels that makes him celebworthy and in her words, “one day [I'll] be able to be like…so this one time…yada yada yada…go ahead and google him.” and you’ll be able to. With ease lol. I heart her logic.

My Reasons of Discouragement aka Nervousness aka WTF Am I Doing?

1. I haven’t had sex since the closure sex with my last relationship in January and then not since 3 months before that when we first broke up.
2. I haven’t had sex with someone (new) in over 6 years.
3. I haven’t had sex with someone new (sober) in over 8 years.

I call my best friend. She assures me that this is going to be awesome. I tell her my bodily insecurities. She assures me that not only does EVERY girl have these same issues but that I’m all kinds of fabulous and have absolutely nothing to worry about. She asks if she should send texts or call so that I seem uber popular during my date. She usually does this for my first dates. This is a nice first date rule for women to follow, and we find it hilarious.  We find it awesome.  Don’t judge us. I say no though, because she’ll be in bed (mommy schedule style) by the time I’m really on the date. She promises to send texts of encouragement beforehand though.

Wednesday night I play ball. He calls while I’m at my car taking off my cleats. I like the checking in. Things are a go. I go to my cousin’s place downtown to shower, change and beautify. We girl chat and she encourages me, as I’m really nervous. Mostly about the having of the sex. The actual “meeting” for a date nervousness is virtually all gone (hooray! Look at me all confident to meet people now).

That being said.  There is no liquid courage in my future.  So I need verbal reinforcement.  I text my best friend.  Tell me this is going to be good.  Tell me sex is just like riding a bike.

She texts back.  It’s only like riding a bike if you like to lick the wheels!  You will be fab in so many ways.

Great best friend, eh?  Awesome!  I Heart You.

Final Push.  Go get em…I need this remember!  Lol.  Luv you too.

He picks a lounge place for us to meet. I get there first and get us a table. In the back. I order a diet coke. We don’t have diet coke. WTF? who doesn’t have diet coke? I order a cran and soda. He arrives. He’s been at the “army bar” with his cronies.

Sidebar:  The army bar is not as awesome as it sounds (mostly because it’s not easy access…to me).  It’s not like a bar off campus post where army guys tend to hang out (it’s no hump bar – Army Wives Reference).  It’s more like army guys pouring their own really cheap beer with their unit after work aka you have to be invited.  Damn!  But I digress…

He gets a beer. I’m sitting down when he arrives. He slides in beside me (very suave). He looks good. The height appears no biggie so far but then again I’m sitting. He smells delicious. He’s cuter than his pictures. And the pièce de résistance.

He’s wearing the double shirt.

Now for those that don’t know me. Or the double shirt. Allow me to explain. It’s quite simple. The double shirt is a long sleeve shirt with a short sleeve shirt over top. I don’t know the logic. There’s no clear reason. But the double shirt to me, is I imagine what huge boobs are to men. Hot!

So he slides up close but not before noting my jeans.  My magic jeans.  Not unlike my magic hippie dress.  The dress I wear on all my first dates (and to important parties) as it makes my boobs look huge, my butt look round, and my tummy look tiny.  Magic dress.  My magic jeans are similar in that they make my legs look lovely, my butt look yummy and frankly has this design detail (not as 90s as it sounds) that catches boys’ eyes like glitter in the wind.  My thighs sparkle in his eyes.  Things are looking good.  He is clearly pleased.  We joked a lot in the sexy-talk-texts about how long he’d be able to control himself around me when in public.  I went to unzip my hoodie-type-sweater and relax when his eyes bulged and I swear I saw a bit of drool.  He reached over and did up my hoodie stuttering something about not being able to control himself if I wasn’t done up like a mummy.

We laughed.  We chatted.  It was cute and nervous.  Awkward in the very best way possible.  I find out the ex in Squamish is more like a friend that he had slept with.  Also, she’s usually only up there on weekends and often only every other weekend.  Noted.  We laugh more.  His sense of humor is like mine.  He looks nice in his two shirts.  He asks about why I don’t drink.  About time I’d say but there ya go.  I tell him.  He jokes that if he didn’t know I wasn’t drinking he’d think I was drunk (in a good cute bubbly way).  I laugh.  I thought the same thing earlier when I was getting ready.  I tell him there’s a reason my friends call me Fun.  He concurs.  The moment is taut.  We kiss.  It’s good.  Much better than Garbage Man.

I have to say, a lot of my concern also involved the “what if” that would follow all of our previous hot talk.  As in, what if I feel nothing.  In my lady parts.  For him.  This becomes a ridiculous notion.  We shut the place down.  He paid and we left.  We drive to his place in Kits (the one he’s moving out of).  I’m nervous that it’s not going to be up to par.  He once joked that he had a small bed.  I thought it was a joke.

So he turns into this driveway.  The only space in an otherwise completely surrounding fence.  I swear I see the word ”Defence” on a sign.  Weird.  Moving on.  We park.  I look at the building.  Looks.  Well.  Different than a regular apartment building.  He takes my hand and we go inside.  There are vending machines at the stairwell.  We walk up the stairs.  Straight ahead.  Is.  What looks like.  A college dorm lounge.  *Turns head to right to ponder*  And that’s when I see it.  A long hallway.  Lined with doors.  Much like.  Wait for it.  Wait for it.  A college dorm.  But it’s not a college dorm.  Wait for it.  Wait for it.  The boots.  The boots.  So, so many boots.  Lined up outside each door.  Like little soldiers all in a row.

I’m sure you could see the actual gears turning in my head.  I.  Am.  In.  An.  Army.  Barracks.  True Story.  We go into his room.  He was not joking about the bed.  It’s the rebirth of my uni dorm bed.  I obviously give him some good-natured ribbing.  I think he was mildly embarrassed but the funny thing is, I really thought it was awesome.  Like fucking brilliantly amazing awesome.  Hilarious and story-worthy.  Like sexy and manly.  Like army and college rolled into one.  Have I ever mentioned that some of my favorite memories of Uni involve the dorms?

Now folks.  Here is where we part ways.  While I’m going to take a moment to remember the awesomeness that was the rest of the evening/morning, I will be leaving you to your hot-sexy-liberal imaginations.  Though I will say this.  Turns out I had no need to worry.  After much sampling my review came in…I’ve been awarded the Lance Armstrong Seal of Approval (revisit bike riding metaphor for reference).  Awesome.

We left things good.  I didn’t stay to cuddle.  He walked me to my car.  Grabbed my hand.  Kissed me goodnight.  I drove off in a blaze of glory.  Okay well maybe not literally but metaphorically.  Will we have fun again?  Who knows.  Do I want to?  Sure! I had a really good time.  It’s a bit of a logistical locale nightmare.  We’ll see.  But that’s not really the point.

The point is that things are awesome!  I accomplished what I wanted to.  I came out of it and am no crazier (read:  first sex after ex has potential for being traumatic).  I had a good time.  I’ve lost all nerves about going on first dates.  I still have the butterflies which have happy connotations but I’ve lost the nerves that the TEDisaster really brought out in me.

So maybe I’ll spend the summer Enjoying the Intelligence Officer in between my other dating adventures.  The dating stories would be good, no? Maybe he’ll just be an awesome memory and some saucy reading material (uh…yeah…of course I’m keeping the texts…they were hot!).  Either way.  I’ve changed.  I’ve progressed.  And that my friends, is what’s really amazing.

Don’t slow down for the lollygaggers.  Hey self?  Need me to repeat that?  Do Not Slow Down For The Lollygaggers.  Write that down.  Pocket it.  Carry it with your amazing ass all day long.  No need to settle (for something that brings no enjoyment). We don’t need more bad relationships. We don’t need more stories about breakups. We don’t need more stories about bad dates.

But things HAVE changed.  Dating things.  Life things.  Additions to the “Somethings”.  Things are looking up.  Okay, well technically things have been UP for awhile but I thought that sounded cute and fit with the theme.

I digress.  ROLLCALL!!! (note military theme…hint hint…just sayin’).

Slow (and Steady?).  DONE. His messages had a decidedly just answering never asking feel and so I just stopped replying. Here’s a dating tip for men: Wanna know some things men do to annoy women? Answering questions without asking any of your own. Write it down.

The Divorcée.   DONE. After the phone call fiasco he messaged this. Very briefly thereafter, no less. Hello, I took an unexpected phone call and it has taken me up to now to get everything sorted. I greatly apologize for the inconvenience. So please don’t take what happened the other day the wrong way. Um…wow…super issues…super lame…super not interested. *hangs up phone goes outside and plays in the summer sunshine. Want to hear more dating advice for men? Don’t be needy.

Normal Guy.  PROGRESSING.  He’s got the digits.  Let’s see if he’ll step the game up and make plans.

Intelligence Officer.  ENJOYED.  I have saved the best for last.  And before all you romantics out there get your hearts in a tizzy on my behalf.  It`s not that kind of best.  Things have happened recently that have changed me.  That have changed the game of dating (for me).  Vital.  Important.  Progressive.  “Things” have happened.  And it’s fucking awesome!  But let’s back this story up just a smidge so you can be along with me for the roller coaster of awesomeness that was this experience.  So at first it was just everyday-type chatter with Intelligence Officer.  Until.  Night.  So there I was frantically casually icing a cake for a dear friend’s birthday when I get a text.

What are you doing?
Icing a cake for a friend’s birthday party tomorrow night?
Where?
(funny sidebar: At the time I think he’s asking where the party is…as in he might be in town and thus…well…something…but turns out he’s asking where I’m at right now because he’s in town right now)
Oh, lol well how would I know?
I just figured you’d hear me breathing. (and the point goes to…witty repartee)

We banter casually for awhile. And then. Things take a turn. Now, here’s the thing of the thing. I don’t do “sexting” (fuck I even just hate saying the word.) I don’t do phone sex. I don’t do skype whatever. The reason isn’t anything profound (like I once read on so and so’s blog) it’s mostly selfish. I don’t enjoy it. I’ve tried. It was mostly boring. I was doing it for the other person. I cared that they were enjoying it. So I faked it.

But here’s the real thing of the thing. It started because we were clever and sexy with each other. It continued because not only did he say all the things I wanted to hear (read) but it became this thing where I let myself loose. Said what I wanted to and meant it. No timidity. No shyness. Nothing to lose so why not? And 4 hours later. pause. Yeah I’m just going to give you a little time to digest that.

4 hours later. I had just had the MOST exciting, illicit, impressive, titillating and needless to say HOT! faux-sex experience of my entire life. During these 4 hours of hotness there was the occasional break for logistics. As in I won’t date someone who lives 2 hours from me (after my last big serious relationship I swore I’d never do even medium let alone long distance again). We can’t have “fun” at my house. Simple. No explanation will be given. He’s got 5 more days at his place in Kits (area of Vancouver for non-locals). Then he’ll be in Squamish living full-time (though he’ll still be working mostly in Vancouver…what people will do to live somewhere beautiful lol!). Problem. In Squamish he has one guy roomie (no sweat) and one ex as a roommate (deets to come) but at the time I find this insane not to mention detrimental as obviously wouldn’t bode well for…well…fun…noisy fun. What are we to do? He’s certain we’ll figure it out. Here’s another dating tip for all you men who want to know some sexy things a guy can do to turn a woman on: Take care of business. Also, have your shit together.

The sexy-witty-banter-hot-faux-sex(ting) continues. It’s so extensive that I have to scan through my ghetto phone that only holds 150 messages in the inbox and selectively delete (obviously keeping the good stuff, as it’s like porn lol!). I have to do this numerous times. I would not be shocked if the grand total of texting totaled 400 messages each. We make plans to hang out Wednesday. He’ll be in town for work till 8. I have a ball game but we might be able to hang out afterwards.

Then on Monday it happens. Screech! I slam the brakes. I have at no point conveyed (to him) that it would be a possibility for us to date. I haven’t expressed any desire for anything committed, long-term or even relationship-esque. And yet. True to boy form. He spouts some bullshit he barely notices yet flips me off.

Randomly during a text conversation he decides to mention that he’s not looking for anything long-term or committed. WTF? Um…I didn’t know that booty calls could even BE long-term or committed. I say. He clearly misses my rage. I’m only here for sex he says don’t get too attached. Seriously? Dude! You’re ruining it!

I spend the rest of the day royally pissed that someone could fuck up such a silver platter situation. I mean fuck!!! I ponder if there’s any way that he can come back from this. I decide there isn’t. I was wrong.

Tuesday comes and I manage to casually convey I’m pissed and well…He’s completely stumped and confused. Appears to not have a fucking clue of what’s changed. So he calls. I don’t answer. He texts. I can’t apologize if I don’t know what I did wrong. True. I call back. We talk. Things get sorted. Not worth going into it but though he is true to form a guy…he makes up for his faux pas and things continue their trajectory. I like his voice. He texts. You’re voice is soooo sexy (dirty talk dirty talk). I swoon (lustily not emotionally). I’m incredibly self-conscious of my voice. I’ve always felt it was very deep. Apparently it’s hot. Yay me. Looks like we’re still on for Wednesday. Maybe there’s hope to meet at least ONE of our relationship goals…

to be continued…

The Stats
5’9  –  31  –  good user name

The Story
We messaged.  We texted.  There were outloud giggles.  We were planning to go out when he was set free from lockdown-at-Whistler-during-Olympics-for-work-as-intelligence-officer-aka-military.  Long story short.  He gets back to Vancouver only to make the move to Squamish aka too big of a commute to date.  He’s a fitness buff.  Squamish is all mountains and outdoorsy.  He’ll be so happy.  We say our ”too bads” and “adioses” via text.  I expect this is done.

He reappeared when I rejoined for the summer the dating site we’d met on earlier.  He messages something cute and that he’s still wondering if we should have gotten together over some wine.  I say I don’t drink wine but obviously yes.  He asks me out.  I’m busy I say, Maybe another time?  He’s not out this way all that much he says.  I make some jokes.  Now I know you’re just being honest about “not being in the area much” and girls (well at least this girl) do/does love the honesty…but you know what I really want to hear is that…”you’d gladly make the trip into Vancouver to meet up sometime and see if the sexy witty repartee is all that its cracked up to be so far”…but I’m just sayin’   He says he most definitely would make the drive to see me and asks about schedules etc.

The Pros
We had what I believe (as I’m no longer committing to my not-in-person perception of banter) was excellent witty repartee.  He was funny, he was witty, he was sarcastic…did I mention you could throw a quarter at his body and it would bounce off it and hit you in the eye?  Plus military…hello manly!  He texted me this morning for some cute repartee.

The Cons
Red flag on the 5’9.  However, he’s super buff aka hyper masculine so that bodes REALLY well for him.  If he’s telling the truth (and not fudging a few inches…like you know who *cough* Tedski *cough* seriously why do guys not think we’ll notice?) he’ll still be taller than me by two inches.  He lives in Squamish.  But honestly for some good dating and some good loving I’m fine with an occasional killing of the ozone.

The Standing
We texted a couple times this morning and then after I said something it was like…silence…fucking Garbage Man all over again.  No worries.  I didn’t really care so I just carried on with my day.  Got a message later saying “sorry..fell asleep” (his day off guess he was lounging lol!).  I text no worries.  He texts Sorry talk later? I’m just heading out for a run.  So we’ll see what happens…

The Divorcée

The Stats
6’0  –  28  –  don’t get his user name (could be spelling error? could be something I’ve never heard of? who knows)

The Story
Nice guy.  No real chuckles.  Seems cool enough except…

The Pros
He’s tall.  His pics look really good though they’re all face shots with a webcam so it seems a bit of a crapshoot.  He knows what he wants out of life and has a plan to get it.

The Cons
He seems a bit trodden down and by that I mean…  He’s clearly got baggage from having gotten married too young and having it not work out, but that’s to be expected I guess.

The Standing
Everything was going great.  Then he messaged through the dating site that we should chat on the phone.  I’m busy that night so I say call the next day.  It gets a bit weird.  He asked what time.  I couldn’t really say, anytime I guess.  I said if he wanted a long call to call my cell and I would call back from my restricted home number but if he just wanted a quick chat my cell would be fine.  My tweet from earlier sums up what happened.

Normal Guy

The Stats
6’1  –  30  –  perfectly normal user name

The Story
I message him (balls of steel I know eh?).  He responds Hey your “Magical skills” definitely snagged my interest along with those sexy curves .  Witty repartee.  Witty repartee.  We’ve only had a few messages so I can’t really say.  But I have a good feeling *crossies*

The Pros
Did I mention how normal he seems?  He’s tall, dark and handsome. *Yum.  Dresses in styles that I like, manly (plays hockey) yet cute (babysits sister’s kids), interesting career (legal), it’s all very good times.  Asks good questions (not always waiting for me to ask first).  Lives within a reasonable proximity.

The Cons
None so far.

The Standing
Just seeing what unfolds.  We haven’t had that many messages yet.

Slow (and Steady?)

The Stats
6’2  –  26  –  cheesy user name

The Story
He messaged me.  SMOKIN’ Hot body.  The first guy since my first true love and I broke up whose body I’ve been this attracted to.  (case in point for how easily my attraction to someone is controlled by my mind).  We started talking just before the Vegas trip and then final final.

The Pros
He has an MBA (for those keeping score this might actually be THE FIRST person I’ve even talked to on the particular dating site that I USED to use with some higher education…hooray!).  Though he did attempt to explain what an MBA was to me (as if there are people who don’t know…yikes!).  He’s got a great smile, he seems fairly intelligent, and just a nice guy.  No hearty chuckles though.

The Cons
No hearty chuckles.  He’s a bit of a slow mover.  We’ve been talking for over 2 weeks now and I still think were not headed straight for a date asap.  Not a huge fan of slow and steady wins the race.  Gimme Gimme Gimme.  Also, I often ask about people’s past experiences on that particular dating site.  I want “ballparks” not “specifics”.  I just want to know that I’m not your first first date and blah blah blah.  He however, mentioned that he met and dated a girl from that particular dating site.  “Courtney” and he would still be together if she hadn’t moved to Toronto and he doesn’t do long distance.  Weird eh?  Not only do I not want to know that “location” was all that broke them up but do I really need her name…ick…but we’ll see lol!

The Standing
He’s pretty fucking hot…so I’m going to let Courtney slide and see what comes of it.  When I say buff I mean the dude is buff.  Plus if it turns out the MBA is not bullshit (who knows these dating days) then frankly I’d love a conversation that involved being able to talk about experiences of higher education.

PS…of the people who didn’t make the cut into this week’s recipe for party mix…I’d like to draw special attention to the 18 year-old who has messaged me…wait for it…wait for it…Twice!  and to be clear this is creepy on so many levels but most of all
- he’s not even legal to drink…in Canada!!!
- he could potentially still be in high school (vomits a bit)
- gross!
- his parents can thank my moral compass for their son’s purity lol

As is the case with guys, it depends on what you’re looking for. If what you’re looking for is a long-term relationship in which sex is not the primary goal, the best advice is to definitely lay off the sexy profile photos. Stick to face pics and/or fully clothed body pics. Even a bathing suit pic might be a little too revealing at this stage in the game. You want to show the guy (or gal) that you’re trying to attract that you’re more than just pretty parts. If you get to the point that you’re exchanging sexy pics later in the courtship (even if it’s still an online courtship and you haven’t taken it offline yet), then it’s your call as to whether you want to send your suitor any pics containing a little more skin. But to upload such pics to your profile will give the impression that what you’re looking for is more about physicality and less about personality, which will turn off those suitors who are looking for a long-term relationship. Seeing such photos on your profile might give them reason to stop and gawk for awhile, but then they’ll likely move on without contacting you. After all, most guys who are looking for a long-term relationship aren’t interested in having it with a gal who flaunts sexy picture of herself all over the place. If you do have those sexy pictures of yourself, save them for a time when he (or she) has earned the chance to see them.

Of course, if what you want is to attract is a guy who isn’t interested in something long-term (ie just a sex-filled fling), then uploading a sexy photo or two will probably go a long way, since what you look like when you’re not fully clothed is most likely the first thing he’ll want to know about you if he’s considering a short-term sex-filled fling. (Or, heck, even a long-term sex-filled fling!) On the other hand, the mere fact that you’re offering him a sex-filled fling will probably get his engine running even if you haven’t uploaded any sexy photos to your profile. If you say in your profile that you’re looking for a a fling, and you’re of the gender type that turns him on, he’ll likely fill your inbox with messages anyway – whether or not you’ve uploaded any photos at all – sexy or otherwise! That said, if you’re looking for just a fling, and you’re trying to throw the biggest net you can, it’s not a bad idea to include a few sexy pics in your profile. But, as with the guys, keep it clean. Most online dating sites that aspire to be “serious, non-hook-up” dating sites (including Jaded Lovers – which aspires to be the most serious dating site!) don’t allow profile photos containing nudity – unless they’re artistic, and even then it’s a judgment call. So that means, for best results, if you go down to your skivvies for the picture, gals, don’t go down any further than that. And try to keep from posing yourself in any position that would get your pic considered for publication in (insert title of men’s magazine here). No matter which type of relationship you’re interested in finding, a good rule to follow with regard to your profile photos is to err on the side of moderation.

As with guys, this advice will work only MOST of the time. There are certainly folks out there (guys and gals, of every sexual orientation) who would prefer to see sexy pics of the person they’re courting before they start the courtship. And this doesn’t necessarily make them total pervs or undateable superficial jerks. But it’s still a good rule to keep your profile photos consistent with the overall message you want to send in your profile. If you want a serious relationship, upload photos which show a more serious side of you. If you want a fling, upload photos which show more of your sexier side. And use your “About Me” area to write exactly what it is that you’re looking for. As with most areas of life, it’s better to be clear and direct than to be misleading – even if you don’t mean to be. Keeping your profile photos consistent with the message you want to send will help in doing that.

It’s pretty obvious that if you’re just trying to get laid, you want to let prospective takers see as much of the goods as possible before they decide to contact you. Kind of a window- shopping thing. Let them get a look at what they’d be getting if they enter the store, know what I’m saying? If they’re interested, maybe they’ll ask for more info.

But if what you’re looking for is a serious, long-term relationship, in which sex is not the primary goal (or at least not the ONLY goal), you might want to lay off those shirtless photos, guys. That means don’t upload ANY of them to your profile, no matter how many photos your profile lets you upload. Stick to photos of your face or, if they are fully body photos, make them fully clothed. Even if you’re totally buff, it’s hard to image many women being interested in seeing you shirtless at this stage in the game – that is, when they’re just coming across your profile on a dating site. Save that for if and when she’s ready to actually get naked with you – if you happen to get that lucky . If you ARE totally buff, she might consider that a nice bonus when she’s removing your shirt for you. But there’s a difference between being confident and bragging, and bragging is usually one of the main dating turn offs for everyone. No one likes a huge ego, and if your first impression makes her think you’ve got a huge ego, it’s a steep hill to get her to change her opinion of you. (Then again, that total buffness you’re hiding under your shirt might help her with that!)

If what you’re looking for IS just to get laid, or a fling that you want to carry on for awhile in which the primary goal is sex, feel free to break out the shirtless pics. But a couple bits of advice for you men out there: 1). Know your strengths and weaknesses, and 2). Keep it clean. No woman (and I mean NO woman) wants to see your peepee in a picture on your online dating profile. That might work for the guys who are looking for other guys (and here at Jaded Lovers we of course welcome everyone and want everyone to find what they’re looking for), but if what you’re looking for is a woman, keep it in your pants for the photo. Even if you’re hung like a champ, chances are she won’t be impressed. Even most of those women out there who are looking for just a fling want you to think enough of them to realize that kind of thing won’t be likely to float their boat. Entice her with a little intellect first. It’ll go a long way. Uploading pics of the peepee is one of the biggest online dating mistakes that guys make.

Of course, this advice – when followed – will work for only MOST of those women out there who view your online dating profile. There will always be the exceptions. But if any woman asks you why you haven’t uploaded any pecker pics, methinks you won’t go wrong by informing her that you thought she wouldn’t be interested in seeing them. If for some reason that happens to turn her off – and you’re as impressive down there as you think you are – then she probably won’t hold it against it you for having kept it a secret for so long.

With dating of any kind, online dating being no exception, there will be doldrums.  There will come a time when no wind will blow to inflate your sails and no messages will come to fill your inbox.  And that’s okay because what feels like years to you is actually probably just a holiday weekend or a Playoffs of some kind.  Before you know it you’ll be getting messages from all kinds of age and height inappropriate fellas just like I am, and all will be right with the world again.

In all seriousness though, sometimes stagnation happens.  And this is a good time to switch up all of your photos, or even just your main one.  You could rewrite your profile.  Or in all honesty you could simply submit to the will of chance, realize some of that stuff might not matter and go about your merry day.  Whatever works for you.  As nothing is working for me.  And the only reason I mention doing nothing is because I made some changes to my profile and …er…well it hasn’t improved things for me…and now I’m a bit bitter about the time I wasted changing it up.  Jaded.  Expectations.  Fuck.


That being said…just when the doldrums seem at their worst…and the lull seems never ending…you’ll get another surprise.  Instead of lulls…you’ll get some Lulz.  A little laugh out loud for you.  Or at least I did.  You see I got this message.  Of insanity.  From Tom.  Tommy boy.  Oh…that Fuckin’ Tom character.

Hi,I just read you profile and unfortunately despite the fact that you seem to be a 
nice person,I would not be able to date you or pursue a relationship with you because 
it does not seem to appeal to me.I hope you will understand and not take this the wrong 
way.I wish you luck.take care

Oh Tom.  What.  The.  Fuck.  Aside from the fact that you hate spaces after punctuation, you seem like a nice guy.  I mean what with your completely unsolicited message.  Because I know what you guys are thinking.  So what?  She messaged a guy and he rejected her…no big deal.  Except that’s not what happened. This message came out of nowhere.  I didn’t message him.  He happened to stumble upon my profile and I guess felt compelled to inform me that I was unappealing to him.  And if that doesn’t brighten a girl’s day I don’t know what does.  And because it was just too bizarre…I had to check him out.  But first a bit of research.

1/23/2012 12:13:27 AM

Why did you message me?


And after hitting send, I checked out his profile.  And became even more enraged.  And I know it might sound illogical.  But I found it much more upsetting that this dick felt the need to message me because…well…he was a loser.

TommyBoy

Nothing personal.I just decided to politely let you know.


And then I did something I’m only partly ashamed of.  Because I mostly responded thinking that this dude needed his fucked up sense of what was polite straightened out.  Though a tiny bit of me just wanted to yell at him.  Via dating site message.  I know, I know.  Pathetic.  Don’t judge me.  I was angry.  And irritated.  And nothing feels better than a bitchy message followed by BLOCK!  Feel free to feel both empathy and judgment for me.  It’s okay.  I’ll survive.  As I’m sure will Tommy.  Though I hope he’ll keep his survival to himself.  Lulz (now, then I was angry lol…now it’s funny that people are so ridiculous).

1/23/2012 12:23:27 AM

There’s absolutely no reason to let me know. That’s like stopping 
someone on the street to be like…just so you know…you and I have 
nothing in common and have no reason at all to have a conversation 
and then walking away. I couldn’t give a sh*tif you looked at my 
profile and weren’t interested. Instead you send a message so I have 
to go through the hassle of logging on to read the message just to 
find out some idiot isn’t interested, politely. You’re absolutely 
****ing stupid. Thanks for wasting my time.

Messages like those from our Tommy Boy make you really long for the lulls again, don’t they?

But when it comes to dating deal breakers, honestly, I just don’t know.  Are they a good idea?  Are they going to keep you from taking a risk?  Are they going to prevent you from meeting someone really great with a flaw or two?  Or will they keep you from wasting time on people you simply cannot get along with?  Or live with?  Or anything long term with?  Or the third option, are they simply irrelevant…just not that big of a deal…have them or don’t it really won’t make a difference because when it’s right it’s right?!?!  Like I said, I sure as fuck don’t know.

What I do know is that my dating deal breakers (for lack of a better word) fluctuate.  And apparently the same kind of variety I see for deal breakers within myself is the same out in the rest of society.  A quick google search found me pawing through pages and pages and PAGES of “Dating Deal Breakers”

FYI…there’s an entire website dedicated to people posting their deal breakers  datingdealbreakers.com.  The postings range from the innocent mistake of wearing the wrong kind of clothing on a first date to the downright psychotic of a guy who tricked his date into eating a spoonful of wasabi (thinking it was pistachio ice cream).


I also read some other sites Top 10: Deal Breakers but to be honest, most of the deal breakers on there were just normal social-protocol-decent-human-being-type things.  Things like not lying, not neglecting your date in public and not flirting with other people in front of him all seem pretty basic to me, no?


So it got me thinking about the validity of my own personal deal breakers.  And to be honest, I’m a bit horrified at how my standards have dropped the longer I’ve been dating.  Though can you really blame me with the stock of expired turkeys running around out there spreading salmonella and sadness??


Old Deal Breakers:

- No post-secondary education
- Shoddy sense of humor
- Rude
- Inattentive (uses phone on date)
- Religious
- Racist
- Boring
- Feminine
- Passive
- Says things like shmoopy and girly-girl or anything really covered during #CreepWeek (last three posts)

New Deal Breakers:

- Wears pleats

Okay, Okay so I’m kind of joking with that.  But seriously, I’m not sure I have any real dating deal breakers that simply aren’t covered under “being a decent human being.”  You could possibly consider “dumb” and “not funny” my only real deal breakers but even then since they’re subjective I feel like that discounts them somehow.

That being said, I just realized (like, actually, this very moment) why my deal breakers are so lenient.  It’s the whole casually dating thing.  Take religion for example.  That would be a deal breaker if I was looking for someone long term, a life partner, and a 100% deal breaker if I was going to raise children with them.  That being said, for dating.  Fuck, it’s no problem.  In fact, one of the few people I dated in the summer and wish it hadn’t ended was TheVampire, who was massively religious and I was completely okay with it…for the time being.  So maybe that’s it…deal breakers are almost irrelevant unless you’re looking for a relationship.

What do you think…are deal breakers important?  


What are your biggest dating deal breakers?

I understand not dating altogether.  Maybe you’re still healing from a past relationship and aren’t yet ready to date.  Maybe you’re busy saving the world with all your projects and charitable works.  Maybe you’re making a big push for success in your career/academic life.  Whatever it is keeping you busy.  I get it.  You haven’t got the time.  Dating is not a priority.  Understood.