Creepy comes in so many different forms, which almost makes me wonder if that’s part of the problem.  Boys don’t understand what creepy is and thus can’t find their way around to avoiding it.  Naive notion?  Quite possibly, but I’m sticking to it, for now.  Because after all boys,  you know I’m your biggest advocate.  And I wouldn’t be pointing out the downfalls of being creepy and helping you to avoid it if I didn’t want you to succeed.

Being creepy comes in different shapes and forms, however, the actual cause of creepiness or the root of the creepy behavior is deliciously simple.  Wanna know what makes guys creepy? It’s all because of one thing.  Obliviousness.  Simple, I know, right?!?!  But that’s all it is.  Serious.  Every creepy action stems from an overt obliviousness.  Where the variety lies is in obliviousness in relation to what.

1.  Obliviousness to Social Protocol.  Social Protocol is the implicit inherent rule system that allows society to function.  People are able to hold jobs because Social Protocol dictates that they never tell their boss what colossal fucking waste of space they think he or she is.  Social Protocol is what allows for people to function in public, addressing secretaries with courtesy, wait-staff with dignity and heeding the guidance of an usher in a movie theatre.  And finally Social Protocol is what keeps normal (successful) men from speaking their mind about all the dirty shit they want to do to you, a complete stranger, whom they’ve just seen in a coffee shop.

But creepy dudes don’t listen to those internal cues.  They don’t recognize when people feel uncomfortable.  They lack concepts like boundaries and personal space.  And perhaps even more importantly they lack social context.  See the thing of the thing is, if we’re 5 dates in and I’m standing naked in front of you, telling me my tits look amazing is balls to the wall brilliant.  But if we’re at a bar and it’s barely past happy hour, or this is your initial message on an online dating site, saying this to me is a brutally bad idea and will lead to my repulsion. Dating is definitely an activity in which you should always stick to the Social Protocol.

2.  Obliviousness to a Specific Person.  While Social Protocol is about the rules of society as a whole, one can’t help but notice that all people are incredibly different and how the fuck is a dude supposed to know what each chick wants?!?!  The answer is simple.  Listen to her, because she will abso-fucking-lutely tell you.

You ask her out and she says no.  Stop.  She just told you.  Asking her out again isn’t chivalrous or confident or showing perseverance, it’s fucking creepy.  The only time this is not the case is when something changes.  For example, you’re a complete fucking stranger and you ask her out and she says no.  Fine.  Then you two connect through facebook and make each other laugh and form a bond.  This is a case that you can try asking her out again.  But even then, only once more.  If she says no then for fuck sakes leave the poor girl alone.

She’s a sex and dating blogger (uh…not me though, a friend…uh).  And she informs you that though she tweets lots of sexual shit if you’re wanting to date her you should knock that shit off.  Stop.  Immediately.  Do not respond sexually to tweets (they only reveal that you’re both not funny and not sexually witty, but also creepy).  Do not send sexual DMs (see previous, plus even creepier on the private front).  Listen to me.  Uh…I mean her.

You grab her ass and she says no.  You try to hold her hand and she says no.  Or like someone just told me on Twitter:

“Dude went in for a kiss and I said no thanks.

He tried again. Over and over again. Every time, no thanks.”

LISTEN TO HER.  No does in fact fucking mean NO.  Unless we’ve previously discussed this with you and it’s some kind of sexy no means yes role playing game.  So stop being so creepy and listen to what girls tell you.  It really is that fucking simple.

3.  The Grab Bag:  Relax a Bit, and Maybe Don’t Try So Hard.  Unfortunately this last one is a bit of a grab bag because as I’ve been writing this article I’ve come to the conclusion there are a few things that just don’t quite fit with either of the above.  Most of them fall under the “weird” category.  Others are “inappropriately sexual” and others still are just…well… “Cheesy” might be the right word.  But what they do all have in common is an excessive effort, a sense of pressure and overall making us uncomfortable.

…Daring, pressuring, guilting or any similar type of behavior to get us to date you (or send you a picture, talk to you, etc.)

…Baby Talk (to anything other than babies)

…Cheesy pick-up lines

…Misguided humor (see above: also…heads up…you’re fucking lame)

…Bragging about appendages (uh FYI you’re going to have to show us your dick at some point & then we’ll know)

…Clingy-ness (including but not limited to thinking one date = relationship, excessive contact either online or via text, particularly when responses are not forthcoming, etc.)

Feel free to leave your creepiest experiences (girls and guys) in the comments section  Because we all know I love a good ‘He’s a Creeper’ story.