First off, I’m not angry and bitter like I was here.  But I’m also not all sunshiney and rainbows and amazing like I was here or here.  I’m in a kind of sad place.  When it comes to dating that is.  And it makes me wonder.  About all the other people that seem to be going on dates all the time.  Are you excited?  Are you amped up?  Is the person you’re going to meet someone you’re excited about?

And no.  I’m not talking about those crazy overly intense people who are planning the wedding before the first cocktail but just a genuine excitement.  Like when you were messaging you found yourself beaming.  And laughing.  There was witty repartee.  Or some kind of cool connection.  Maybe you both share a love for 17th century Egyptian folklore.  Or have grandparents from the same small town in New Hampshire.  Or maybe he just talks about things that really interest you.  Either way.  You’re all #ExcitedHands and raring to go.  Does that happen anymore?

Because the truth is I can hardly remember what it feels like.  And that isn’t to say there aren’t boys.  In fact today I gave out my number twice.  And they both contacted me.  And I’m betting if I wasn’t busy with schoolwork they’d be meeting me for coffee or a drink right now.  So what’s stopping me (besides school)?

They’re not…er…super bright.  The conversation isn’t compounded from poetry and equations of logic.  We don’t weave webs with Science and Politics or quilt questions into blankets to keep us warm.  I’m not laughing.  There are no jokes.  They simply think I’m hot.  And/or interesting.  And I think they are.  well.  They are there.  And it has me thinking.  About myself.  And what kind of person I attract.

Like, why I can’t seem to attract the kind of man who spends his days thinking about how he can make the world a better place.  And I don’t even mean just by doing charitable works or by having kids and being a good person kind of way.  But someone who is actively planning, how he can make the world a better place.  Think harder.  Work smarter.  Be better.

I have a friend.  Who has a few thoughts of his own on the matter.  Because when I ask over and over again.  *in exasperation* What is my fucking problem? *pulls hair out*  His response is?  You think too much.  And he kind of hits the nail of the head.  Because I do.  I spend a great deal of my time dissecting things.  Wondering how and why and how could I test that theory and I wonder if that hypothesis would hold true if and I wonder what he/she/they were thinking? and how would this be different if such and such did this or if that occurred.  And though he assures me he’s a total asshole and doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  The truth is I think he does.  And more than that I think he’s not alone.  I think a lot of guys think like this.  Which concerns the fuck out of me.

I want to think more not less.  I want the rest of the world to think more not less.  I don’t want a man who sits there thinking fuck, she overthinks everything.  I want a man who thinks man alive, my sweetheart is intelligent, she’s curious, eager, enthusiastic, always wanting to know more, could find her way out of almost any sticky situation, has an informed opinion, knows how to think things through and can form logical conclusions…man I can’t wait to take her home and fuck her all night long.  

I want people to think things through.  Form logic.  Make connections.  Utilize imagination and creativity.  Spend every day trying to make the world a better place.  I want to be able to have a debate and not have to continually remind the person what the topic at hand is.  What are we fighting for?  And I feel like I’m begging.  For someone to light a match in this here dark room.  A spark of intelligence.  A flicker of acumen.  And so again I’m left wondering why it is I attract the men I do.  And if I want to keep dating, what exactly are my options.  Am I going to have to dumb it down forever?  Am I going to have to settle for dudes that can’t really figure things out on their own?  That can’t ever see both sides of an argument?  That aren’t eager and curious nor have a lust for life?