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Jaded Daters
Online Dating: Deal Breakers
Sometimes I have all the answers. I’m 98% certain I’m right. And I have a ton of simple advice to give. And dammit I’m willing to give it easily. Energetically. Confidently. Because, after all, I’m 98% certain I’m right.
But when it comes to deal breakers, honestly, I just don’t know. Are they a good idea? Are they going to keep you from taking a risk? Are they going to prevent you from meeting someone really great with a flaw or two? Or will they keep you from wasting time on people you simply cannot get along with? Or live with? Or anything long term with? Or the third option, are they simply irrelevant…just not that big of a deal…have them or don’t it really won’t make a difference because when it’s right it’s right?!?! Like I said, I sure as fuck don’t know.
What I do know is that my dating deal breakers (for lack of a better word) fluctuate. And apparently the same kind of variety I see for deal breakers within myself is the same out in the rest of society. A quick google search found me pawing through pages and pages and PAGES of “Dating Deal breakers”
FYI…there’s an entire website dedicated to people posting their deal breakers datingdealbreakers.com. The postings range from the innocent mistake of wearing the wrong kind of clothing on a first date to the downright psychotic of a guy who tricked his date into eating a spoonful of wasabi (thinking it was pistachio ice cream).
I also read some other sites Top 10: Deal Breakers but to be honest, most of the deal breakers on there were just normal social-protocol-decent-human-being-type things. Things like not lying, not neglecting your date in public and not flirting with other people in front of him all seem pretty basic to me, no?
So it got me thinking about the validity of my own personal deal breakers. And to be honest, I’m a bit horrified at how my standards have dropped the longer I’ve been dating. Though can you really blame me with the stock of expired turkeys running around out there spreading salmonella and sadness??
Old Deal Breakers:
- No post-secondary education
- Shoddy sense of humor
- Rude
- Inattentive (uses phone on date)
- Religious
- Racist
- Boring
- Feminine
- Passive
- Says things like shmoopy and girly-girl or anything really covered during #CreepWeek (last three posts)
New Deal Breakers:
- Wears pleats
Okay, Okay so I’m kind of joking with that. But seriously, I’m not sure I have any real dating deal breakers that simply aren’t covered under “being a decent human being.” You could possibly consider “dumb” and “not funny” my only real deal breakers but even then since they’re subjective I feel like that discounts them somehow.
That being said, I just realized (like, actually, this very moment) why my deal breakers are so lenient. It’s the whole casually dating thing. Take Religion for example. That would be a deal breaker if I was looking for someone long term, a life partner, and a 100% deal breaker if I was going to raise children with them. That being said, for dating. Fuck, it’s no problem. In fact, one of the few people I dated in the summer and wish it hadn’t ended was TheVampire, who was massively religious and I was completely okay with it…for the time being. So maybe that’s it…deal breakers are almost irrelevant unless you’re looking for a relationship.
What do you think…are deal breakers important?
What are your biggest dating deal breakers?
Online Dating: Do The Math
I understand not dating altogether. Maybe you’re still healing from a past relationship and aren’t yet ready to date. Maybe you’re busy saving the world with all your projects and charitable works. Maybe you’re making a big push for success in your career/academic life. Whatever it is keeping you busy. I get it. You haven’t got the time. Dating is not a priority. Understood.
But when people tell me they ARE open to dating but are not Online Dating, I honestly don’t get it. And yes, I know all the pitfalls of Online Dating, hell I’ve been doing it (in some form or another, on and off) for a little over a decade. Trust me, I get it. That being said, whenever people complain to me about the pitfalls of Online Dating I can’t help but think to myself uh…you know those are the same guys who live in our city right??? Admittedly, these men/women may feel a greater freedom to be their ridiculously fucking idiot true selves, but nonetheless, it’s the same bodies you’re seeing at the bar and the same souls you’re running into in the coffee shop. So to sum up, Online Dating can suck…but uh…so can life. That’s not really a valid argument.
But for the sake of clarity, I’ll tell you why I’m Online Dating. For the very same reasons boys throw Bird Seed. For the very same reasons that I’m applying to something like 10 Grad Schools. Because life is a numbers game. And dating isn’t any different. Let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that a woman that most men would rate between a 6-8 (or whatever is hot enough to want to approach but not so hot as to be intimidated and thus not approach), lives in a predominantly aggressive-man filled city.
She probably gets approached 10 times a week. Now to be fair, easily 5 of those guys are going to be total idiots. (And before all you boys get up in arms…I’m not saying necessarily these men are horrible at their core, but at the very least are not showing this lady their exquisite potential in any other form than border-line illiterate misogyny).
So that leaves her with 5 guys a week. Now let’s assume she wants to date and not just a one night stand. That likely eliminates 1 guy for being age inappropriate and probably another 1 for not, in fact, being available (maybe he’s a cheating bastard or maybe he’s just one of those fucking awful coupleds who love to flirt…ugh…either way it doesn’t matter for our discussion purposes).
So now she’s down to 3 guys a week. And now comes the pickle. Will she be attracted to any of them (personality included or discluded). Ask yourself (boys and girls), out of every three people who walk by or talk to you in the next few days, how many are you interested in (and boys, I don’t mean willing to fuck, I mean how many of these ladies would you be willing to take out and pay for a meal for? and ladies how many of these dudes would you get dolled up for, stay out late on a school night for, etc.).
From what people tell me in my research thus far the number is usually somewhere around 1 in 20 (sometimes closer to 1 in 5, sometimes as few as 1 in 50). But let’s assume our lassy is of the 1 in 15 variety. That means even if all the stars aligned with the exact right guys approaching her and her digging them back, our lucky lady might only find 1 date every 5 weeks.
Now factor in all the other shit. Turns out the first time he really speaks he’s a total dick. Or turns out she’s super Catholic and he’s an atheist. Or regardless of the fact that he paid for dinner he just wants to fuck and they both end up disappointed and going home alone. And now she’ll have to wait another 5 weeks for just a statistical chance at a good date, let alone a worthwhile relationship or even just some fucking fun?!?!
And do I really need to tell you why I Online Date?!?!
It’s a numbers game. And Online Dating isn’t some demanding jealous boyfriend who expects total and complete commitment and gets pissy if I even just glance in the direction of another guy. I’m open to meeting boys anywhere. In fact, I encourage it. Because it broadens my horizons. Because it lightens my spirits. Because it means I won’t have to make out with boys who are dumber than a bag of bricks (even if they are hotter than a tin roof). Or at least, it won’t be my only option. Online Dating is my lighthouse. A beacon of hope, in an otherwise often desert-y scenario.
Oh and also…since I’m not a 6-8 (being a chubby bunny and all), you can imagine I’m already working with a smaller shark pool. And who has time to sit at home and cry about that. So I say, do as I say AND do as I do and get out there and Online Date. Because if you’re proactive in every other aspect of your life, why should dating be any different. And then of course, come back here and tell me all about it.
Why Does Online Dating Suck So Much?
There’s no shortage of blog posts (and even blogs themselves) dealing with the question of why online dating sucks so much. Any way you phrase it – why does online dating suck so much?, why does online dating lead to so much aggravation and/or frustration?, why does online dating suck?, why online dating sucks, why is online dating such a pain in the ass?, - you get down the same response:
Online dating sucks so much because most online dating sites suck. A ton.
Think about it. By definition a dating site can’t exist without a population of users. (Seems pretty easy to understand.) But how does a dating site get a population of users unless it already has a population of users? (Tricky, no?) It’s the old chicken-and-the-egg story. In order to entice people to join, you have to have people on the site that those new registrants could in theory meet. And where do you get those initial people?
Most dating sites invent them.
There are thousands of dating sites on the internet, and almost all of them are made with software that you can take right out of the can and use to “create” a dating site. That’s right: the dating website has become so popular that technology companies actually make computer software that lets you start your very own one. They give you the general design, the search features, the overall functionality – and they give you the initial members. What does that mean? It means they give you several thousand (or more) fake profiles to load up your new site with, so you can tell potential actual members that your site has a bunch of members even before any real consumers have even seen it.
Sounds a little deceptive, doesn’t it? But that’s the business model for many of these sites.
There are stories across the internet of dating sites that have been sued for deceptive business practices (just google “dating sites deceptive business practices” and you’ll start to find them). Most of these lawsuits are thrown out in court because the websites themselves are usually operated by huge corporations which hire crafty lawyers to make sure the websites’ Terms of Use and other user agreements are airtight (and they put right there in the fine print – which they know the vast majority of users won’t bother to read – the various ways by which the websites mean to separate you from your money without actually providing you with the service you think you’re being provided). So, they usually get away with it.
Another deceptive practice which most of these websites use is to keep in the search results the profiles of members that have long since terminated their membership or had their membership expire. By doing this, a dating website that’s been online for 10 or 15 years, and has had hundreds of thousands of actual paying members over those years, can claim to contain hundreds of thousands of more members (and profiles) than it actually contains – and show those profiles in the search results shown to actual paying members, who get duped by this practice into thinking the website has more members than it actually has. (In some cases, many more members than it actually has.)
There are even stories of investigations revealing that former employees of a certain mega-popular dating website which advertises on TV and which is pretty ubiquitous – at least in the United States and English-speaking European countries – admit that the website had a policy of hiring people to operate profiles on the website, and send email messages to paying members whose memberships were about to expire, urging them to continue their paying membership with the website and insisting that they’d go on a date with those members once the members had successfully renewed their memberships.
Deceitful? Yes. Duplicitous? Definitely. Illegal? Maybe not. But immoral? Certainly. Unethical? Without question. Infuriating? You better believe it. If you think it’s a little harsh to label them “online dating scams” or “dating site scams,” go ahead and do some online dating site reviews and judge for yourself.
Now, of course, comes the obligatory plug for JadedLovers.com (What did you expect? After all, this post appears on the JadedLovers.com blog. Though you can feel free to republish it any darn place you like – as long as you leave in the parts about JadedLovers.com. Let’s face it: we’re not going to turn down a chance for free and favorable publicity.)
JadedLovers.com, or Jaded Lovers, as it’s known, doesn’t use fake profiles, removes those created by actual people who join (once they’re made aware of them – currently the website knows of no fool-proof method to automatically detect a fake profile), and removes from search results the profiles of members whose memberships have expired or otherwise been terminated.
At the time of this post, Jaded Lovers is less than a year old, has a very limited marketing budget, and as a result has a membership base which is far lower than even the actual human membership base of any of the popular, ubiquitous or otherwise well-known, online dating websites. (“Human membership base” referring to that number of profiles on said dating websites which are operated by actual human members of the websites who pay for their own memberships and are not hired by the websites to operate them.) As it branches out by use of some more creative advertising and marketing methods, only time will tell if this business model will succeed. Jaded Lovers does offer extended free memberships as it builds its memberships base, but whether or not enough people will be the first into the pool for the website to really pick up steam remains to be seen. Feedback suggests that its initial members, who have truly been “the first into the pool,” seem to really like the website; the challenge for Jaded Lovers is going to be to get the word out to a wide enough audience that members will be able to find enough matches to stick around, in spite of the website’s very limited marketing budget.
This of course, brings us back to the chicken and the egg. If Jaded Lovers is discovered by people whom the website would like to be those first into pool, and they are unable to find many initial matches, will they take the plunge? Jaded Lovers is hoping that a free trial membership will convince them to do so.
With a free trial membership they can check out the site and decide for themselves if they think Jaded Lovers is different enough to call home.
Their making that decision might be the best chance we have of being able to change the response to the question of why online dating is so frustrating from: “Because online dating websites themselves are frustrating,” or “because online dating sites suck,” to: “What are you talking about? Online dating isn’t frustrating. And not all online dating sites suck. You just haven’t joined Jaded Lovers.”
#CreepWeek: When Creeps Attack
So I know what you’re thinking. I told you why guys are creepy. And then we talked about how guys are creepy. But now you’re like What do I do when these creeps attack me out in the wilderness. And that’s what I’m here to tell you.
1. Do not play dead. Creeps are like black bears and playing dead is “not appropriate.” Your best option is to retreat slowly without making eye contact. Do not climb a tree (black bears are excellent climbers and grizzly bears have a reach of up to 13 feet or more).
2. Strike back. Tell him you like curvy guys and then wink in the most awkward way possible. Even better if you can drool a bit and introduce any kind of sporadic hand gestures. If he’s clingy, propose marriage. If he’s too sexual, start asking about the dirtiest grossest kinkiest things you can think of. If he simply isn’t listening to you and keeps talking over you, just start screaming (channel your inner four year old).
3. Deep fry his cheese. So it’s early morning and already a dude is making a play for you with the cheesiest pick up lines known to man. Something about thieves and stars and you get the idea. Hit him back with a little cheese of your own. Grab your boobs and give a manly Honk! Honk! Grab your crotch a la Michael Jackson and channel your inner Disney character French Chef…and give him a little les poissons les poissons hee hee hee haw haw haw. Make sure you make at least one mention of him as a piece of meat or even a hunka hunka burning man love. Bring pepper spray in case this has the opposite effect and turns him on.
4. Ask for his phone number. So he’s been harassing you non-stop. He’s a creep at every turn. And you simply can’t fucking bear it anymore. Ask for his phone number. He’ll willingly give it, thinking he’s finally cracked you (I know right?!?! Boys are fucking idiots thinking wearing down a girl is ever a bright idea). Make a Craigslist ad, the pervier the better, or even just the more likely that people will call the better. Include the phone number. Extra points if you write something like “It turns me on the most if you call and leave explicit messages on my voicemail and/or if you just start talking dirty the moment I answer, don’t even wait for me to say hello.”
5. Roll Over (and come up throwing knives). You know that old saying You catch more flies with honey than vinegar? Well that has nothing to do with this. You’re not trying to catch a creep you’re trying to set him free, let him loose to go off and roam with all the other creeps. That being said when all else fails, it might just be time to play dead. Because nothing works like being pathetic. What I mean is that some guys see convincing girls as a challenge, something that can be won. And though I’m not suggesting you agree to go out with a creep, there is a lot to be said for being honest. You told him you weren’t interested. He didn’t stop. You asked him to leave you alone. He didn’t stop. Now is the time to roll over. Tell him that he’s making you uncomfortable. Use these actual words. You are making me uncomfortable. He’ll respond with something about not meaning to. Tell him that he’s making you sad and that you’re going to start crying soon…does he really want to make you cry? Maybe he fucking does and he’s some sick fucking psycho and he’ll think he won (let him, who cares, either way he’ll stop)…or he’s just a misguided fool but he didn’t realize you were so bothered (and again he’ll stop)…so either way he’s stopping and you’ll be free. If this doesn’t work, it’s time to get some knives and learn how to throw with some accuracy (kidding). Or just come to my house, I’ll protect you.
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